I once wrote an essay about someone saying to me, “You look just like my sister. You have the same wheelchair.” (True story; I can’t make stuff like this up). In the essay, my thoughts on the afformentioned comment went something like this: “Oh, my bad. I must have put on my superhero tights instead of my skinny jeans this morning,” which would be hilarious and awesome if it worked that way. But the longer I have lived my life that just happens to include a physical disability, I’ve learned that the majority of the power to make me visible or invisible to you as a whole person lies with you.
In our interaction, in many cases, I’m right in front of you. I may even be talking perfectly clearly to a person next to me when you walk up to me. Even if I’m not talking, you can be certain I know what I need or want from you and/or from life.
But if you take one look at my wheelchair and decide the best approach is to talk around me, to question my companions about my abilities, my workout routine, my lunch order, etc., you tell me that none of it matters, because, whatever the answers, I’m invisible to you.
In that moment, the interaction will change. I will speak up. I (and my companions) will force you to see me–the person; not the wheelchair. I promise you, though, it will be a clipped interaction. Why?
Because in that moment, it doesn’t matter what I know about me–my functional skills, my academic and professional achievements, or my membership in a tightknit circle of family and friends. Regardless of all that, I feel invisible, if only for a moment. It’s a painful moment.
It’s also a preventable moment.
All you have to do is address each person you interact with (with a disability or without) directly and with respect.
If you have a question, ask it of the person it concerns. If you want to know what I can do or how I do something, ask me (maybe not in our first conversation, though). And if you need to know my lunch order, I’ve got that covered, but you can give the bill to the other person at my table if you want.
I know it can feel risky at times to speak directly to a person who has a disability when you don’t always know his or her capacity to answer or understand, but it is so important to begin there. When you do, you communicate to that person that, regardless of his or her capacity, you see and value him or her as a human being.
What do you have to lose by making the effort?
